Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Odyssey Whisperer

I'm just going to come out and say it...I can't drive the minivan. I mean, I have driven big cars, SUV's, 15 passenger vans filled with screaming kids, but for some reason I can't drive our minivan.

In January I backed out of our garage and sideswiped our babysitter's car - it's not that I didn't know it was there, it's just that between the time I saw her car there and the time I put the van in reverse...I forgot. Brand new 2007 Honda Odyssey. Thank ya.

Yesterday I had all three kids in the car (which isn't an excuse, but more of a justification) and we needed gas big time. So I pulled into the BP and there were no pumps open for my side of the van, so I decided to pull around to another pump. Basically all I have to say is that I completely creamed the side of sliding door into the concrete slab protecting the pumps. It sounded like I had ripped the side off the space shuttle or something. It was bad - and now there's a huge dent and big yellow paint marks all over the side of the van.

I can't think of something that makes me feel much dumber, really. I mean, it's not like I'm not paying attention, it's just that I cannot drive the van. I need some Robert Redfordish man to come and teach me the secrets of speaking the Odyssey language. There aren't many things I think I really can't do well (thanks to my ever-encouraging mother!), but for some reason I just can't drive this van.

I hate admitting it, ladies, but it's true. This does not mean that all ladies are bad minivan drivers, but this mama stinks at it.

And so fun, by the way, telling Ian that I had the accident. I was so nervous to tell him that I actually TEXTED him! What a weenie. I didn't think he was going to be mad or yell, really. It's just that earlier in the week we had a great talk about the things we can do for each other to improve our marriage. The only thing he said was, "Please don't hit anything else with the minivan." So not only did I incur a couple thousand dollars worth of damage to our vehicle, I've apparantly set our marriage back a few notches by my little encounter with the concrete slab. Way to go.

By the way, the only other request Ian had on his list of things I can do to improve our marriage was, "Don't have any more children." Thankfully, we've got that one covered.


Michelle said...

This was the most IRONIC blog I've ever seen! Ironic because I am having the exact same trouble with my Yukon. Believe me, Buffy, I feel ya on this one big time.
Here's my story...just to make you feel like you're not alone. Within a month of getting our SUV, I scraped my front left bumper right along a pole in a parking garage. Since then I have also hit a sign (or a tree limb?) while driving that smashed the side view mirror. $400 to replace that small part, thank you very much. After that, Pat and I had pretty much the same convo you had with Ian.
About 3 weeks ago, I hit the car next to mine AS I WAS PULLING INTO the space. It was a Cadillac Escalade. Perfect. How did I manage to do that? I don't know! I was paying attention and everything but somehow, even though I've parked at least 50,000 other times, I managed to hit this car. I think I was more upset about having to tell Pat than I was telling the car's owner.
So, here's the good part. That lady said that she took the car to her dealer and they buffed it out. No charge to me. At all. Thank you, Lord!
Anyway, ever since then, I've realized that I can't drive this car anymore. I want a smaller car that I can drive and if it gets a dent, no big deal. Now I am such a chicken when I drive and especially when I park. So, believe me, I know exactly how you feel and it doeesn't sound dumb to me at all!

Michelle said...

One thing I forgot to mention is that I live in fear of hitting the other cars parked in my driveway. I honestly feel bad for what you must have gone through when you hit your sitter's brand new car. Ouch.
It's such a fear of mine that I started chanting to myself every time I am backing out. Check rearview mirror, check mirror, etc.
That's because I recently loaded the kids in the car, zoomed out of the garage and it wasn't until I looked over to my right that I realized I had missed my cleaner's car by a mere 4 inches. Angels must have been watching out for me because that sucker would've been totalled otherwise.

Anonymous said...

Girl, I have to say I'm right there with you on the Odyssey. We purchased ours in December, and by April I'd backed into our mailbox. So fun. I think we might want to look into legal action against Honda - I mean obviously its a design flaw! Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

the "smashing the van" story is even funnier in writing, B. u know i struggle with hitting fences and garage doors. I feel your pain! i think more women should become engineers and design cars. if i could have sexy "micheal vaughn" voice, that would come on a nice & calmly warn me before i was about to crash into something, that would really save the day. car people, why don't you invent that!?!? Love you, Dana

Anonymous said...

"sexy senser voice in your car" c'mon! it will make billions!!