Thursday, May 21, 2015

Hangry tonight...

Oh law.  The indecision and lack of task completion continues.  Today I half finished a whole buncha stuff.  And felt like I did nothing.  And if I told you what I did you would probably say, "Why Buff, that's pretty good for one day!"...but I think I could do a pretty good job of making my list sound long and impressive, even if it is unfinished.

When the kids got home from school I just added to the chaos by starting homework with the twins, then stopping homework to play Yahtzee with the twins (who are marginal mathemeticians at best), then taking said twins (and Maggie and a friend) up to the pool.  I sat in the hot, blazing sun and talked on the phone to my husband for the first time in two days while Tori stewed in time out on a lawn chair. All while hiding my unshowered and un-made up self behind a pair of RayBans.  (BTW, RayBans can cover over a multitude of sins.  And if you add hoop earrings, well then sister you're ready to tango.)

We left the pool, took Maggie's sweet friend home, then went to find dinner.  I struggle SO with dinner.  I can.not.make.a.decision.  I swear I had twelve plans thoroughly thought through in my head and we didn't end up doing a single one of them.  I was asking my kids (my KIDS!!) what they wanted to do for dinner.  What a rookie move!  I'm better than this, people...I've been at this a long time.  I ended up listening to their suggestions and literally clawing at my own face while saying, "I am soooo hungry I can barely STAND it!".  I really said that.  And I really clawed.  I ended up going to get food supplies for dinner and a smoothie to tide us over.  But not before trying to find the perfect word for what I was experiencing.

I've heard the word HANGRY...hungry/angry.  And it's a really great word.  Brilliant, actually.  But I needed more.  I was also real sweaty, unshowered, feeling overweight, angry, starving and acting like a two year old.  What should we call that, people?  I just can't decide.  HOTHANGRY covers most of it, except for the fact that you could say the 'th" together and then it just sounds weird.

I'm open to suggestions.  For now, though, I will just categorize myself as a Mama who is strung out and needing some Calgon.  Or Jesus.

P.S.  (Written post dinner and Blue Moon)...Waaaaahhhhhh  Waaaaahhhhh.   I'm a whiny child.  Military spouses and single parents, y'all are legit.  Saying grateful prayers for you tonight.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Tick tock

Three weeks from today I will be living in Columbia, SC.  Mmmmhmmm.  Three weeks.  There is more life to live between now and then than I can possibly explain.  Normal end of the year stuff with kids, twins' birthday parties, teacher gifts to get, recitals...but this year we're throwing in goodbye parties and a major life-changing move.  No big.  I find myself wondering about things like how do I forward my mail to my new address if we close on our house here a week before we close there?  What things will we need to keep with us this summer as we live with my gracious and brave parents for a few weeks?  And how in the world will we ever survive summer without a neighborhood swimming pool?  I'm paying bills, changing doctors, registering for schools all while still trying to keep our little lives afloat here in Jacksonville while Ian is already gone to work in SC.  I have to do all the things right now.  So why do I find myself staring at the TV watching Kelly Rippa and Michael Strayhan tap dancing with Patricia Heaton?  I'm in some sort of denial-type fog that is very difficult to lift.  The fog is of course made thicker by the "eat chocolate, drink wine and don't exercise" plan I'm on this week.  Winning.

It's hard to move.  There's a lot to do.  The paralyzing part, though, is not the list of stuff to be done, but the overarching knowledge that we are saying a lot of things and people we love.  It's kind of like grief, coming and going at the strangest times.  I find myself almost stoic when people are saying goodbye to me, expressing their hearts and really loving me well.  Yet when I watched other people's kids get confirmed in church last week I was an ugly cry-er...right there in the pew.  It's a strange business, being a human with lots of feelings.

So I'm pressing on.  Tonight there is a soccer party, and the coach wants the parents and families to play in a big soccer game.  This thrills me to no end, especially since I have to speed directly from said "party" to a going away gathering of some of my close friends.  Smelling like a flower, no doubt.  Just trying to go from one thing to the next and clinging desperately to the promise that I am not alone and I am dearly loved by a God who is walking with me.  Leading me, actually...thankfully.  There's a reason why we can only see right in front of our faces during times of grief...our minds are protecting us, helping us go from moment to moment, trusting the next breath will come, and then the next and the next.  It strangely feels a lot like full life, where the saddness is deeper, but the laughter is louder and so very welcome.