It's Thursday and all family members are where they should be, meaning I am home alone. I've had a little one home for the past few days, which as you mamas know translates as, "halt all plans or dreams of being super and simmer down to doing the MAIN thing...caring for your kid." Eeeeeasy super Buff. Time to read books, wipe noses, listen to whining, make healthy meals and try to keep your kid off constant TV while they are home. Actually, that does sound like a supermom.
So here I am all alone today and I have to say I'm a little antsy. Aside from the extra dark coffee and borrowed (read:stolen) Baby Ruth's from Halloween bags, I don't know why I am feeling so antsy. My thought is that it's the manic nature of my days. From about 6 am until 7:56 (bus time) I am shot out of a cannon. This morning in particular I had my neighbors' three kiddos at 7 am so she could take a subbing job at the middle school. Basically these kids are like little nieces and nephews to me and it was a total trip having them in the mix this morning. At one point I was unloading the dishwasher while my oldest watched Daniel Radcliffe rapping on You Tube, one of the kids was seeking advice about a possible love interest at school, one was on her third outfit change, and the others were doing Karaoke to "Problem." We ended up running to the bus stop as to not miss it, and once they were all safely on board I walked slowly home, breathing in the cool air with a smile on my face. It's a gift to be able to stay home with my kids.
But I'm so antsy! I paid bills, shopped online, dealt with the mail, returned emails, and here I am.
Don't get me wrong, I have puhlenty to do. So many things I COULD do. But when I have days like today I end up wondering what I want to do. I realize this is a luxury. I know there are so many women and men who would LOVE the chance to have a choice in how they spend their time. I get this. I am just having trouble figuring out WHAT to do. I have thoughts and dreams and ideas for writing articles or maybe even a book someday. Seminary is always looming, like constant white noise that sounds strangely like my Dad's voice. I have the privilege of speaking at women's retreats this spring and so much to think about and pray through for that, which is really exciting and life giving. So here's the rub...how do I convert the snippets of constantly interrupted time into productive forward motion toward these desires in my heart? How do I put one foot in front of the other when I struggle with being scattered and struggling to focus during these available minutes?
(Just so you know, reader, there's about a 30 minute window right here where I stepped away and did some other stuff. Then this happened...)
Ok...stop right here. I just realized something that does not invalidate this entry, but dramatically lessens the intensity on the antsiness that I am describing and feeling...
I forgot to take my meds this morning.
(This has only happened to me ONE other time in my life and I realized it in the afternoon while I started getting the sweats and feeling virtually IBS-ish while I was in the movie theater with my sweet hubs. Moral of this story, ladies...take your meds. Celexa is on board for a reason. Ain't no shame in it.)