Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I'm just sayin...

Living in Florida is funny sometimes. I wanted it to be cold on Christmas, but the next day I am fine with the warm weather. I've been like that since we got here. It's tough to not have much of a fall to speak of, but I can do completely without winter. It's once again in the 70's today and I'm in jeans and a new J Jill hoodie that Granny Franny gave me. I really just have it on because I like to pretend it's cool enough to wear right now. I could actually be sitting on my back porch typing this to you in shorts or even my bathing suit, but I wouldn't want to scare the turtles and birds that live in the deathtrap (i.e. pond in my back yard). Or scare myself, for that matter.

I am so anti-New Year's resolutions for the obvious reasons, not the least of which is that it only makes me feel more like a schmuck when I don't do what I thought I could do. Like I would somehow have a personality transplant and suddenly begin exercising, eating right, reading my Bible and being kind to small animals on a daily basis. Instead I am trying to live with grace - for myself and other people. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't work, for instance, when I give myself the grace to eat my third chocolate chip cookie and stir chocolate chips into my healthy yogurt snack. That's not grace...that's just yummy. I do try to give myself grace on how I see myself and how others see me, but that doesn't work all the time either. Like yesterday I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while and she asked me if I was "having any more". Did she mean am I having any more kids at this particular minute? Probably. So I told her no way, that my tubes were tied up tight, and then I very carefully pulled my cardigan across my front and asked her if she was planning to have any more. Don't people know that you're not supposed to ask ANYONE if they are pregnant or when they are due. Not even sure if that's what she meant, but it was enough to make me hold off on the chocolate chips for a few days.

But I digress...that is just the opposite of giving myself grace. It's such a hard balance. Rationally I know that I have had three kids in the past five years and one pregnancy was with twins...nevermind the fact that one of the twins only weighed 3 lbs. 15 oz. I would feel ok using that excuse if I were doing something to lose some of this weight. But I'm not..not at all. So Ian and I decided to try this calorie count thing that's worked before but I have to say that I have no confidence in myself or my ability to keep any weight off for an extended period of time. I do look at other mommies as they run or bike up the street and think I need to get on the ball. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that. But then I see a woman pulling a wagon full of kids while cramming her hand in a bag of goldfish and I feel all better. Sometimes comparison can be a little joyful.

Admit it, you all know you do the belly watch. It's like when you were single or in your twenties and you would always look at someone's left hand to see if they were engaged or married. Now we've just moved on to looking to see how we measure up in the "who can get their baby weight off the fastest" category. In case you're wondering, I am losing that race.

What I'm talking about, though, is that I want to be ok losing that race. In my rational mind I know I need and want to be "healthy", but when I'm really honest with myself I just want to look darn good at the bus stop. I'm not super proud of this post...I'm just trying to be honest. So for all you belly watchers out there I'm praying today that we will see ourselves as the Lord sees us, through the eyes of Truth! Here's hoping we will lean into that Truth today.


nicolefiehler said...

you've encouraged this new mommy!

leslie ruth said...

Oh my word, I don't have kids and might not in the next year or so (although of I'm honest, I'm hoping something miraculous happens and our finances and marriage are able to handle a wee one this year), but do I ever relate to the belly watch. My grandaddy asked another family member the last time I saw him, "Is Leslie hiding a little secret?" CLEARLY, need to start running again. Here's to '09 and losing nine...or more. Or just getting healthy. Whatever ends up working for us :)

Anonymous said...

All too often we are governed by appearances when in fact we should be looking at the inside. It is a vicious roller coaster that I will join in the next month or so (after I deliver my last bundle of joy). My hope is that I my intentions are health inspired for my family rather than my desire to fit into my old clothes. I know this is a stretch because the truth is I will be more driven by my appearance in the bathroom mirror. You won't see me running anywhere but hopefully I will be out walking with the little one on a regular basis. Buffy, how about walk dates for a while rather than play dates? We can do it when the older girls are at school.

tami said...

girl, i couldn't agree more. this is such a tricky little subject. because you are right, the truth is we are perfect in His eyes...just like we are. and this should be enough. but it rarely is.

for me, there is a connection between caring for myself and my relationship with Him. when i'm caring for myself (exercising, etc.), i feel less blockage in my relationship with Him. maybe because not caring for myself is my own little form of bondage. you know, the bondage Jesus came to free me from.

anyway, thanks for the post. and thanks for letting me process! love you and miss you!

Anonymous said...

your posts make me laugh! and this definitely isn't just a "woman" thing. i also look at other womens' bellies...hold it, that's not right. but i do compare myself with other guys. and working with youth, it's even harder cuz i still wanna be cool, and to them, only skinny people are cool.

thanks for this post. it was much needed. and it is okay, at least in your mind, to run over some of those ladies running with their baby strollers. but just in your mind.

Daily Domains said...

I LOVE to read your posts... they make me laugh and I can totally hear your voice talking in my head! .. ohhh... to just have a coffee at Fosters with you would be JOY!
loving keeping in touch through BLOG
hugs :)