Living in Florida is funny sometimes. I wanted it to be cold on Christmas, but the next day I am fine with the warm weather. I've been like that since we got here. It's tough to not have much of a fall to speak of, but I can do completely without winter. It's once again in the 70's today and I'm in jeans and a new J Jill hoodie that Granny Franny gave me. I really just have it on because I like to pretend it's cool enough to wear right now. I could actually be sitting on my back porch typing this to you in shorts or even my bathing suit, but I wouldn't want to scare the turtles and birds that live in the deathtrap (i.e. pond in my back yard). Or scare myself, for that matter.
I am so anti-New Year's resolutions for the obvious reasons, not the least of which is that it only makes me feel more like a schmuck when I don't do what I thought I could do. Like I would somehow have a personality transplant and suddenly begin exercising, eating right, reading my Bible and being kind to small animals on a daily basis. Instead I am trying to live with grace - for myself and other people. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't work, for instance, when I give myself the grace to eat my third chocolate chip cookie and stir chocolate chips into my healthy yogurt snack. That's not grace...that's just yummy. I do try to give myself grace on how I see myself and how others see me, but that doesn't work all the time either. Like yesterday I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while and she asked me if I was "having any more". Did she mean am I having any more kids at this particular minute? Probably. So I told her no way, that my tubes were tied up tight, and then I very carefully pulled my cardigan across my front and asked her if she was planning to have any more. Don't people know that you're not supposed to ask ANYONE if they are pregnant or when they are due. Not even sure if that's what she meant, but it was enough to make me hold off on the chocolate chips for a few days.
But I digress...that is just the opposite of giving myself grace. It's such a hard balance. Rationally I know that I have had three kids in the past five years and one pregnancy was with twins...nevermind the fact that one of the twins only weighed 3 lbs. 15 oz. I would feel ok using that excuse if I were doing something to lose some of this weight. But I'm not..not at all. So Ian and I decided to try this calorie count thing that's worked before but I have to say that I have no confidence in myself or my ability to keep any weight off for an extended period of time. I do look at other mommies as they run or bike up the street and think I need to get on the ball. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that. But then I see a woman pulling a wagon full of kids while cramming her hand in a bag of goldfish and I feel all better. Sometimes comparison can be a little joyful.
Admit it, you all know you do the belly watch. It's like when you were single or in your twenties and you would always look at someone's left hand to see if they were engaged or married. Now we've just moved on to looking to see how we measure up in the "who can get their baby weight off the fastest" category. In case you're wondering, I am losing that race.
What I'm talking about, though, is that I want to be ok losing that race. In my rational mind I know I need and want to be "healthy", but when I'm really honest with myself I just want to look darn good at the bus stop. I'm not super proud of this post...I'm just trying to be honest. So for all you belly watchers out there I'm praying today that we will see ourselves as the Lord sees us, through the eyes of Truth! Here's hoping we will lean into that Truth today.